i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You've changed since you got that strap on
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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