I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
