Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
