umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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