i think i have two assholes
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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