Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize
