Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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