she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
