Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
