I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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