o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
