im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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