what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
