I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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