More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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