Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
