Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
