How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
