My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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