Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
