i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
