I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
