I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
