my sisters under your porch take her home
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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