I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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