i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
