He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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