The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
