Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I think my moral compass just broke
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
