I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
