he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
