I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
