I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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