I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
