you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize