It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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