How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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