my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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