I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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