Yo dont text me then not text me
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
