I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
