dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
