Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
