She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
