Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
