I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
