apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
