we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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