Buhtt sex?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize