Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
pop tarts are not kleenex
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Randomize
