drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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