I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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