woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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