cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
