Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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