im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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