That's when you crack a 10am beer
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
