I feel great
I just peed on a car
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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