Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
