I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
