Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Operation Purity has been aborted
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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